I Am Construction and So Can You!

As I am working on some small construction projects for my sister's wedding, I am reminded of an older project from several years ago that really showcased my carpentry prowess.  Rest easy, sis :)

How to Build a Picnic Table in Just 23 Easy Steps!*

*Number of steps may be adjusted to suit individual needs, such as the need to
cry, the need to seek urgent medical care, or the need to research what the hell
you are doing.  Photo Credit

1) Download a real "How to Build a Picnic Table" plan from the internet.

2) Take the plan to Home Depot and comb the aisles looking for supplies for approximately 1.8 hours longer than you expected it to take, or until you work up a sweat.

3) Take the materials and supplies to your parents garage and let them remain there for at least 5 weeks.  This is part of a very important aging process called "procrastination" that strengthens the lumber.

4) Set aside an entire weekend to work on the table and then show up at precisely 2 pm on Sunday.

5) Cut the lumber for the table top to appropriate lengths using a circular saw.  Carefully place 1/4 inch spacers in between the planks and hold them in place with a bar clamp.

6) Realize it is upside down and curse.  Flip, and repeat step 5.

7) Using 4 inch deck screws, fasten 2 appropriately cut 2x4s underneath the planks to hold them permanently.

8) Upon not finding where the hell you put the deck screws, curse.  Drive to Walmart to search for replacements for approximately 0.5 hours, or until you thoroughly lose your faith in humanity.

In her defense, they were being really annoying. Photo Credit

9) Repeat step 7.

10) To create the legs, cut three 2x4s to exactly the same length and angles.  The fourth leg must be 1 inch longer. Use a hammer and a chisel to shave off this extra inch while Lisa...errr...your construction associate holds the leg and cringes.

11) Attach the legs to the table top and go home feeling somewhat accomplished, but mostly just grateful that no one lost a finger.

12) Choose another day to return.  This day should be at least 95 degrees outside, as you will be working in a garage, and picnic tables are more fun to make when the air is choking you.

13) Create braces to stabilize the legs by cutting two 2x4s to the appropriate length, and cutting each end at 45 degree opposite angles.

14) Announce that you will be shaving off one of the pointed ends on each brace for "aesthetic reasons".

15) Fasten the aesthetically-pleasing brace to the bottom of the table using 4 inch deck screws.

16) DAMMIT, WHERE ARE THOSE FUCKING DECK SCREWS?!?

17) Upon returning from Walmart, repeat step 15.

No table is worth this.  Photo Credit

18) Drill holes through the intersection of the legs and the aesthetically-pleasing brace on each side.

19) Curse when you realize that your aesthetically-pleasing brace will not work because the part you were supposed to drill into is a small, useless block on the garage floor.

20) Endure the taunts of your construction associate who told you to just leave the brace the way it was while you repeat steps 13, 15, and 18 only.

21) Use a machine bolt, washer, and nut to fasten the brace to the legs, and gaze upon your wobbly creation with the melancholy mixture of pride and shame.

22) In order to build the benches, repeat steps 5, 7, 10, 13, 15, 18, and 21, only on a smaller and more annoying scale.  Twice.

23) Lobotomize yourself with all of the deck screws you finally find because you still have to sand and stain the whole thing.

For my next act...  Photo Credit